Project H: Breaking Dawn Part 1
by Project H
Summary: A direct parody of the fourth Twilight movie.
1. Chapter 1

**Project H: Breaking Dawn Part 1**

By Project H

Part 1

Bella narrating: _Childhood is not from birth to a certain age  
__As I tell people who say I should have outgrown wetting the bed_

_And at a certain age, the child is grown and puts away childish things  
__Just as I threw away the childish idea of ever having a healthy relationship_

_Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies  
__Which is why we murdered all those kids last year. You know, to be funny_

Jacob: *Reads letter, then runs out of house*

Billy: Jacob! Come back. Don't be upset that I never taught you to read. It would only bring you disappointment and...oh it's just a wedding invitation

Charlie: *Reads letter* Bella's getting married? I've completely failed her as on over-bearing father who scares off and/or kills her boyfriends

Renee: *Reads letter* Phil, remember how you bet me that my daughter wouldn't make the same mistake as I did and get married at a young age to a boy she barely knows? Well you owe me $10

-  
*Cullen house*

Bella: *Struggling to walk in heels*

Alice: You just need to break them in. Your feet, I mean

Bella: Can't I just wear my uggs?

Alice: I'll make you a deal – you can either wear those heels on your feet, or embedded in the side of your head

Bella:...feet, maybe

Alice: Good girl

Emmett: *Moving tree trunk* Where do you want this?

Alice: On either side of the aisle. It's part of the "This teen wedding is more important than the native environment" theme. Does no one have a vision?

Emmett: Not really

Alice: Because I'm having a vision, Emmett. A vision of the future. And of your head impaled on a spike as a welcome to our wedding guests

Emmett: Ugh! Do we really need all these trees?

Alice: I don't know, Emmett, do you really need all those limbs?

Emmett: I guess I could-

Alice: This wedding sure will look nice when I hang your intestines up like streamers around the garden

Emmett: Fine! I'll rip up a second forest

Bella: Just remember whose wedding it is, alright?

Alice: And remember whose funeral it will be if you screw this up for me!

-  
*Bella's bedroom*

Edward: I was just checking for cold feet

Bella: Mine are toasty warm, now that I've got my uggs on

Edward: It's not too late to change your mind

Bella: Now you're having second thoughts? Why? Did Alice tell you about my back-hair problem? I've almost got it under control, I swear

Edward: I've waited a century to marry you, Miss Swan. I haven't told you everything about myself

Bella: What? You're not a virgin?

Edward: Ha! Oh please. Standards aren't a new invention, Bella. Women still had them in the '20s. I have other things I have kept from you

Bella: You can't scare me away. You've almost lead to my death at least a half dozen times now. I'm hardly going to run off because you have an imaginary friend or something

Edward: A few years after Carlisle created me, I rebelled against him. I resented him for curbing my appetite, and telling me I couldn't eat sugar because it would keep me up. I started making fun of his favourite bands and refused to wear my seatbelt on long drives, but then after a while I went off on my own. I wanted to know how it felt to hunt, and to taste human blood. All the men I killed were monsters. Some of them littered, some spoke during movies, and one guy walked really slowly down the street while I was trying to run to catch a bus

Bella: Edward, you were making the world a better place. Sort of. You may have saved thousands of lives. Although probably not. Why are you telling me this tonight?

Edward: I just wondered if it would change your mind about yourself, and who you want to see when you look in the mirror a year from now. I know it's normal for a woman to let herself go after marriage, but not to turn into some sort of un-dead walking monster. At least not until she starts having children

Bella: I know I can do this – because _you_ did. And you're pathetic. If you can do it, it can hardly be difficult. And hopefully, a year from now, I'm going to look in the mirror and see someone like you. Though without the outdated haircut and overly-feminine eyebrows, of course

Emmett: *Outside the window* Let's go! You're late for your bachelor party

Bella: So this party, will there be strippers?

Edward: Yeah, but I promise to only drink one or two. See you at the altar

Bella: I'll be the one in the white dress

Edward: Ooh, good thing you told me. We would've shown up in the same outfit *Jumps outside*

Bella: And now for my bachelorette party – sitting alone in my room and Googling 'handsome men in shorts'

-  
*Bella's Dream*

Bella: *Walking down the aisle* Everything looks beautiful. All my family and friends are here. And Angela

Edward: Look Bella, the Volturi are here to give us away. And Aro brought his beautiful wife

Caius: I'm Caius! I'm one of the Volturi!

Marcus: There's a toaster over on the gift table from us. It only has Aro's name on it, but it's from all of us

Edward: *Starts bleeding*

Bella: *Starts bleeding*

Guests: *Die and bleed*

Bella: OK, you were right. This was a terrible wedding theme

-  
*Cullen House, before the wedding*

Alice: *Doing Bella's make-up* Oh Bella, what did I say about beauty sleep?

Bella: That no amount of it would ever make me look even half as good as you

Alice: Correct

Rosalie: Do you need some help? I could do her hair. Or her eulogy

Bella: You want to help?

Rosalie: Please. I'm not offended by your choice of groom. Just his choice of wife. And _her _choice of face

Alice: Just remember, Rosalie. This is _my _special day, and if anyone gets murdered, it's going to be by me. And it's going to be because they say the flowers clash with the ring bearer's tie

Bella: I think this party has reached the limit of psychotic women

Renee: *Runs in* Bella!

Bella: Well, I suppose we have room for one more

Renee: Look at you! Oh honey, when I got married I looked terrible. I'm so proud you chose to keep that tradition alive

Bella:...

Charlie: *Walks in* Bella, you look beautiful. If I was 20 years younger, we weren't related, and you were still in the habit of making terrible life choices, I'd marry you myself

Renee: We thought you needed something blue, other than Edward's balls. And something old, other than his choice of haircut. *Opens box and reveals comb* It was Grandma Swan's, but we added the sapphires and removed the angry words she scrawled about immigrants

Bella: I love it

Alice: Who wants to see the dress? I took a peak into the future to see Bella trying it on, and trust me, it never looks more beautiful than it does on the hanger right now

-  
*The Wedding*

Jessica: So you think Bella's gonna be showing?

Angela: Jess, she is not pregnant

Jessica: No, I mean showing any reason why a guy like Edward would ever want to date her

Angela: Oh. Then no

Charlie: You ready?

Bella: Yeah. Just don't let me fall, Dad

Charlie: Never. No point. No one's filming it so we wouldn't be able to send it to Funniest Home Videos

Bella and Charlie: *Walk up the aisle*

Minister: Ladies, gentlemen and hot Scandinavian cousins, we are gathered here on this glorious day to witness the union of Edward Anthony Cullen and...this one?

Edward: Yes

Minister: What is she rich or something?

Edward: Not even slightly

Minister: Well alright then. We gather to witness the union of Edward Anthony Cullen and Bella David Swan. Repeat after me - I, Edward Cullen...

Bella: I, Edward Cullen...

Minister: Not you!

Edward: I, Edward Cullen, take you Bella Swan, to have and to hold...

Bella: For better or worse...

Edward: For worse and worser

Bella: For when you abandon me for months at a time

Edward: Through vampirism and werewolf attacks

Bella: In sickness and in your brother trying to devour me

Edward: To love

Bella: To tolerate

Edward: Because I used magic vampire powers of attraction

Bella: And you thought I smelled nice

Both: As long as we both shall live

Edward: I do

Bella: I do

Minister: I'm...not sure what any of that was

-  
*The Reception*

Jessica: Cake looks fake

Alice: Hi guys

Jessica: SORRY! Please no! Mike said it!

Alice: What do you think of the wedding?

Angela: It's perfect. Better than perfect. And so are you, Alice

Mike: Yes, you're perfect. Just please don't do to us what you did to Eric

Alice: Well if Eric liked his innards were they were, he wouldn't have said the punch was a little flat

*Elsewhere*

Seth: Hey, man. Nice to see you. I'm happy for you

Edward: Yes...you. Thanks for that...mister

Seth: Seth. Remember, I protected Bella and helped you fight Victoria

Edward: Oh yeah, of course. Good to see you, Simon

Billy: I hope you'll be happy, Bella

Bella: Thank you, Billy. Have you heard from him?

Billy: God?

Bella: Jacob

Billy: I'm sure Jake wishes you the best

Bella: Yeah...

Billy: Not Edward though. I'm pretty sure Jacob wants him to burn in hell

Edward: The feeling is mutual

Eleazar and Carmen: Congratulations Bella!

Bella: Thanks. Eleazar and Carman, right? Edward's hot cousins

Edward: Yes, and this is Tanya and Kate, our hot cousins from Alaska. I invited as many hot relatives as possible, Bella, so you wouldn't feel pressured to look like the most beautiful woman on your wedding day

Bella: Yeah, the photographer wouldn't even let me be in any of the wedding photos

Tanya: Bella, we've heard so much about you

Bella: Anything good?

Tanya: No. It was Rosalie who told us

Carmen: Irina, come meet Bella. *To Edward* We're always surrounded by gorgeous people, so it'll be a treat for Irina to see someone who looks like Bella

Irina: *Looking at Seth* They invited one

Edward: Oh yeah, you hate Seth too? Don't get me started

Irina: They killed Laurent

Edward: He tried to kill Bella

Irina: And? I've only known her for a minute and have considered ripping her head off three times

Tanya: Ditto

Kate: Same here

Carmen: Four times

Irina: He wanted to be like us, to live in peace with humans. And only occasionally murder them in cold blood. But otherwise perfect peace. Was that too much to ask? *Walks off*

Eleazar: Well, looking at Bella this long is starting to hurt my eyes. Congratulations again, Bella. And Edward, better luck with the next wife *Follows Irina*

-  
*The Toast*

Emmett: I'd like to propose a toast, to my new sister. Who will now be having sex with my brother. Not weird to us

Jessica: Well, Bella was just like everybody else, except without the personality, sense of humour or genuine likability. And then Edward started dating her, and I started dying inside. Now I'm not saying Edward should cheat on Bella, but if he wanted to, he knows where to find me – in the bushes outside his bedroom window

Charlie: Edward will be a great husband. I know this because I insisted he act as my husband for the month leading up to this wedding. He's kind, sensitive, great with kids, and the most generous lover I've ever had

Jessica: And I'm captain of the volleyball team. So Ed, if you want to see how I handle a ball...wink...

Alice: Now that you're my sister, I can give you some sisterly advice. I've looked into your future, and whatever you do, don't try that weird elbow thing on your honeymoon. He hates it. He pretends he's into it, but believe me, he's creeped out. Also, if I were you, I wouldn't ask for seconds of the wedding cake

Jessica: And I'm the student body president, but maybe Edward would like to be the president of _this _student body *Points to self*

Renee: _Go to sleep, my love  
__When you wake you'll see me...  
__Let's have some fun, this beat is sick  
__I wanna take a ride on your disco sick_

Esme: I'd like to thank Renee and Charlie for bringing such a wonderful person into the world and into our lives. Not quite the same level as Alice and Rosalie, but now that I've met you both, I know you did the best with the gene pools you had to work with

Jessica: Notice that this dress is orange, Ed? Why not imagine it's a Twix wrapper? Peel it off and sink your teeth in-

Mike: *Drags Jessica off the stage* For the record, I'd like to repeat everything she said, but direct it at Bella

Edward: It's an extraordinary thing to meet someone who you can bare your soul to and who will accept you for what you are. But Bella found that someone. She's been waiting for a very long time, to get beyond what she is. So I'd like to propose a toast to her beautiful husband. No measure of time will ever be enough with me, but let's start with forever. And now, I'm sure Bella would like to say something about me

Bella: I'm fine, thanks

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Chapter 2

**Project H: Breaking Dawn Part 1**

By Project H

Part 2

*The Forest*

Bella: What's a wedding present doing out here? Be honest, was this whole relationship just a ploy to one day be able to murder me alone in the woods?

Edward: Not quite. I got you the most romantic gift a husband can give – a guy who is desperately trying to sleep with you and tear our relationship apart

Bella: Well did you keep the receipt? It might not fit

Jacob: Hi Bella

Bella: Jacob! And you made an effort – you're wearing a shirt

Edward: I'll go and see if Rosalie wants a dance. Or if I can subtly lure a werewolf into the trees and kill them *Walks away*

Bella: Where have you been?

Jacob: Nowhere, really. I just ran away from home when I heard you were getting married. Couldn't stand to see you happy, you know?

Bella: Sure

Jacob: It's weird to be back on two legs again, in clothes

Bella: Same. Are you OK being here?

Jacob: Why? Afraid that I'll try to ruin the special bond between you and Edward, just as I have been attempting non-stop since you started dating him? If that's what I wanted, I would have told Alice that Edward said his tux doesn't look right. You'd never see him again

Bella: *Starts crying*

Jacob: You're not supposed to be the one crying, Bella. I should be. And I was. Until Billy brought me a glass of milk and told me to take a nap. This is how I'm gonna remember you – pink cheeks, two left feet, heartbeat, crying hysterically in a wedding dress. Perfect

Bella: Because what? Soon I'm going to be dead to you?

Jacob: No. But for the first time, I'll be seeing you how everyone else does – pale, creepy, and smelling awful. I'm just trying to appreciate your last night as a human

Bella: It's not my last night. I didn't really want to spend my honeymoon writhing in pain. Well, not _that_ kind of pain

Jacob: What's the point? It's not like you're going to have a real honeymoon with him anyway

Bella: It's going to be as real as anyone else's. Anyone else who has married someone who fights the constant urge to kill them

Jacob: What? You don't mean...while you're still human?

Bella: It's really none of your business. Other than the fact I'm telling you right now. I'm going to try that elbow thing on him

Jacob: You can't do this! *Grabs Bella*

Edward: *Rushes in* Jacob, calm down. If you yell and hurt Bella now, you'll ruin my plans for the honeymoon

Jacob: Are you out of your mind? You'll kill her!

Bella: Yeah, but what a way to go. Emmett's eulogy will be hot

Jacob: *Walks forward very slowly*

Seth: *Immediately pounces on Jacob as if the fate of the world depends on it* JACOB STOP DEAR GOD NO YOU WERE ALMOST RIGHT NEXT TO THEM THINK OF THE WOLVES!

Sam: Enough, Jacob

Jacob: Stay out of this, Sam

Sam: You're not gonna start something that we'll have to finish. We're not allowed to interfere in the lives of the vampires. If you prevent that honeymoon, it will be up to us to put things right, and personally ensure that Bella is sexed to death by a vampire

Jacob: She'll die!

Sam: Yeah, but what a way to go. Emmett's eulogy will be hot

Jacob: *Leaves angrily*

Sam: That toaster Billy gave you was a gift from all of us, by the way. It only has his name on the card, but we helped pick it out or something *Leaves*

-  
*Front of the Cullen House*

Crowd: *Cheering* Yeah! A whole month without Bella!

Renee: He really won't tell you where he's taking you?

Bella: No, it's a surprise

Renee: Ooh, Charlie gave me a big surprise once. It was you. *Hugs Bella* I put up with you, Bella

Bella: I put up with you too, mum

Renee: So very much

Charlie: It's gonna be strange, you not living under my roof. I won't have to pretend to enjoy watching those awful reality shows you watch all the time. And I can walk around naked

Bella: You do that anyway

Charlie: Yeah but now I won't feel weird about it

Bella: I love you, Dad. Forever *Hugs Charlie*

Charlie: I love you too, Bella. And always will. Provided you stay exactly as you are. If you changed at all, you wouldn't be Bella anymore, and I would no longer be able to feel any love for you whatsoever. None at all

Bella: I'll keep that in mind

-  
*The mystery location*

Edward: *To driver* Mi chiamo gatto

Driver: *Pulls over*

Edward: Bella, welcome to the most romantic place on earth...New Jersey!

Bella: What?!

Edward: Just kidding. It's Rio

Bella: Fantastic! We can dance all night

Edward: Nope. Get in this paddle boat

Bella: This isn't like some honeymoon where you take me all around the world then return to your house and say something lame like 'The most romantic place on earth is wherever _you _are, so we can honeymoon from home'?

Edward: Haha, of course not. What are we, poor?

*Isle Esme*

Edward: This is Isle Esme. A gift from Carlisle. He said "Now you can spend your whole honeymoon on top of Esme, just like I did." Would you like to have a look around-?

Bella: The bed? I'd love to

Edward: Would you like to go for a swim?

Bella: In the sheets? You bet. And I wouldn't mind seeing you try breaststroke

Edward: I meant an actual swim. In the actual ocean

Bella: Well alright. But I could use a few human minutes

Edward: Don't take too long, Mrs Cullen. Although a few human minutes is only a handful of seconds in vampire time. Or for Jacob, about half an hour in dog *Walks into the sea*

Bella: *Brushes teeth, shaves legs, looks at lingerie, bakes a cake, re-tiles the roof, discovers cure for cancer, embarks on a one-woman trek to the summit of Everest* Alright, I think I'm ready to take my towel off now

Edward: The tide has changed three times in the time it took you get out of your dress

Bella: *Walks into water* Ugh. This is much colder and saltier than I expected

Edward: Consider it a preview for our love-making. I promised that we'd try, but if this doesn't work...

Bella: Won't matter to me. I'll be dead

Edward: That's all I needed to hear

*Bedroom*

Edward: *Starts destroying bed due to...enjoyment* How are you?

Bella: I'm OK. I mean, it's like being stabbed in the crotch with an icicle, but I'm fine

Edward: *Continues destroying bed. Bella may not get murdered, but she'll sure have some nasty splinters*

-  
*Next day*

Edward: How badly are you hurt?

Bella: Stubbed a toe getting out of bed, but other than that pretty good

Edward: *Shows Bella her bruises*

Bella: Did you get hurt as well?

Edward: Of course not. Though the way you kept digging your elbow into me was annoying

Bella: Yeah I don't think I was doing that right. But don't ruin this

Edward: Don't ruin your gradual beating to death by deciding to stop hurting you? Well I'm sorry. I know it's every woman's dream to marry her perfect man and then be torn to pieces by him on the honeymoon, but I'm putting my foot down. And not on top of your head, if that's what you were hoping

Bella: We knew this was gonna be tricky, right? I think we did amazing. I'm sure wherever Alice was watching us from she was enjoying it. I mean, it was amazing to me

Edward: That's what you're worried about? That I didn't enjoy myself? The hand-shaped bruises on your chest beg to differ. As does the smile-shaped bruise on your inner thigh. Last night was the best night of my existence. It really made all those nights I spent sleeping next to you seem like a total waste of time. Ugh, all we did was talk. It was awful

Bella: You're not gonna touch me again, are you?

Edward: Sweetheart, just be glad that someone who looks like me ever wanted to touch you at all

-  
*The next few days*

Edward and Bella: *Playing chess*

Edward: Bishop takes rook

Bella: King humps queen

Edward: Bella, please. I'm already forcing myself to wear shorts for the first time in one hundred years, don't make things more difficult

Bella: On a similar note, how come you're not sparkling?

Edward: Brazil has a magic sun

Bella: Oh, that makes sense. I was wondering how I'd gotten an all-over body tan in a single day

*Bedroom*

Bella: *Walks in wearing a helmet and padding* Alright, I've got my pyjamas on

Edward: No, we still can't do it. And not just because it would be physically impossible with you wearing that cup

*Waterfall*

Bella: Oh come on Ed, I can even _feel _how much you want me

Edward: No, I'm over here. I think that's just a log that drifted upstream

-  
*Bed*

Bella: *Sobbing*

Edward: Were you having a nightmare?

Bella: Sort of. I dreamt I spent an entire honeymoon playing chess. But then there was another dream...and I wanted it to be real

Edward: Tell me. Maybe I can make it come true. If it's that one where you're eaten by a giant marshmallow, I've been working on my giant marshmallow impression

Bella: *Sobbing and kissing Edward* Please...

Edward: Dammit Bella, you know being bruised and crying is the one type of flirting I can't resist. No one can...

-  
*La Push*

Jacob: Maybe they'll say she was hit by a car...that smashed directly into her crotch. Or tripped and fell off a cliff...and landed directly on her crotch. At least I'll get one thing out of it...

Seth: Her crotch?

Jacob: Killing Edward!

Sam: No you won't. The Cullens are not a danger to the town or the tribe. I refuse to accept that brutally killing a young woman makes someone dangerous

Jacob: Well, he's either gonna kill her or change her, and the treaty says-

Sam: The treaty also says not to be a pain in the ass, and you break that part of it every day!

Embry: If you wanted things different, you should have been the alpha. Or at least less of a pansy

Seth: Jake, you really think you could kill Bella if she comes back a vampire?

Jacob: Sure could. And I'd do it the same way Edward might do it. I'll sex her to death, or die trying

Leah: No, he'd make one of us do it, then hold a grudge against us

Jacob: Dammit Leah! I can do my own death-sexing!

Leah: Would you get over it? It's not like you imprinted on her

Embry: Yeah, some people are just lucky, I guess. Lucky to be forced into relationships with people they otherwise had no emotional attachment to

Leah: At least if you imprinted on someone you'd finally forget about Bella. I hope when I imprint I can forget about her too. I mean, being any kind of happy is better than being miserable about someone you can't have

Jacob: Wrong! I'm going to be both!

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. Chapter 3

**Project H: Breaking Dawn Part 1**

By Project H

Part 3

*Isle Esme*

Edward:...and I said "Those kids aren't speaking Portu_guese_, they're speaking Portu-duck!"

Brazilians:...

Edward: Oh Bella, these are our housekeepers, Gustavo and Kaure

Gustavo: (In Portuguese) _She looks exactly like our monkey-faced god!_

Kaure: (In Portugeuse) _Quiet! Her lady-faced husband understands Portuguese_

Edward: Mi chiamo pane

Brazilians: *Get to work*

Bella: What was that about?

Edward: She's afraid. Because I have you here all alone, to do as I wish

Bella: And?

Edward: They wanted to join in. Kaure said they haven't broken a bed since Gustavo's beard was still black

Kaure: (In Portuguese) _It was supposed to be three of us, with the monkey girl watching_

Gustavo: (In Portuguese) _Be quiet and help me scrub these blood-stained ceiling tiles_

-  
*Next morning*

Edward's letter: _I've gone to the mainland to hunt, be back before you wake. Unless I meet a cute Brazilian girl, in which case don't wait up_

Bella: *Not wanting to waste time in letting herself go after marriage, enjoys a breakfast of fried chicken. Then throws up*

Edward: Bella, you won't believe what happened. An entire village saw me sparkling, so I had to massacre them and...what's wrong?

Bella: Don't come in here. You don't need to see this

Edward: I can't help but see it, our bathroom doesn't have real walls for some reason

Gustavo: Don't look at Gustavo! Not Gustavo's idea

Bella: It must have been the chicken. Or major internal injuries from the sex

Edward: No problem. We've got a whole village we can harvest organs from

Bella: Wait...how many days has it been since the wedding?

Edward: Well its felt like about 10 years, but 14 days I think

Bella: I'm...I'm late

Edward: Well so was I, but if you were held up because you ran into some nosy villages I forgive you

Bella: My period's late

Edward: I was wondering why I hadn't had the urge to devour you crotch-first in a while. Well, I have, but for different-

Bella: *Looking in mirror at stomach* That's impossible

Edward: I wouldn't worry about your stomach bulging, you'd been getting chubby leading up to the wedding anyway

Phone: *Rings*

Bella: *Answers* Alice?

Alice: Bella? I just had the funniest vision! And you were in it. Anyway, I won't spoil it for you, but here's Carlisle

Carlisle: Bella...the hell, girl? Has Edward been harmed?

Bella: No. I know that it's impossible, but I think that I'm pregnant

Carlisle: But Edward's OK?

Bella: Yeah. *Stomach pains* Argh! Carlisle, I swear something just moved inside me, but Edward's over there

Edward: Bella, just hurry up and order the pizza

Bella: It's Carlisle

Edward: Oh. *Takes phone* Hello Carlisle. I know, the phone reception on this island is incredible. Is it even possible for her to be pregnant?

Carlisle: What am I, a doctor? No idea. Get to the mainland as quickly as possible

Edward: Good. There are a few villagers I still have to settle a score with

Kaure: *In Portuguese* _What did you do with her?_

Edward: *In Portuguese* _I think you can work it out from the fact we made a baby_

Kaure: *In Portuguese* _You are a demon!_

Edward: *In Portuguese* _In the bedroom? You bet I am_

Kaure: *In Portuguese* _She has been cursed with a demon baby!_

Gustavo: Don't look at Gustavo!

-  
*Swan House*

Charlie: Hey Jacob. I haven't seen you in a while, but I suppose all good things have to come to an end

Jacob: You heard from Bella?

Charlie: They're extending their trip. It seems she caught a bug, known as the Life-without-Jacob-is-so-much-fun-I-never-want-to-go-back-to-Forks virus

Jacob: She's sick?

Charlie: She told me not to worry but she sounded, I don't know, pregnant with a mutant

Jacob: *Starts to leave*

Billy: Jacob, let it go. You can't go running after every woman who gets impregnated by a vampire. If you do, you'll never stop running

-  
*Cullen House*

Carlisle: Jacob, welcome. I assume you're here because you're interested in purchasing our second-hand mattress

Bella: Jacob, is that you? The house suddenly feels a lot more childish and delusional

Jacob: Wow Bella, you look terrible

Bella: Jacob, that's a mirror. I'm over here on the couch

Jacob: You gonna tell me what's wrong with you?

Bella: That'll take all night, so I'll just mention one of the things – vampire pregnant

Jacob: *To Edward* You did this! I hope. If it was Esme or something, that's more madness than I can deal with in one day

Carlisle: We've tried everything on it – ultrasounds, needles, setting fire to Bella

Alice: I can't see it either. And I can't see Bella's future anymore

Carlisle: I'll tell you what's in her future – more fire. Seriously, I think it might work this time. We've been researching legends on the internet, as I always do when a medical issue confuses me, but there isn't much to go on. Still, that woman whose mumps I cured by drowning her hasn't had any complaints

Jacob: Why haven't you done anything? Take it out of her. I'll get the tongs

Rosalie: This is none of your business, dog. Even though I stood here and let Carlisle tell you every single detail

Esme: Rose! All this fighting isn't good for Bella

Alice: The foetus isn't good for Bella!

Rosalie: Say the word, Alice. 'Baby'. It's just a little baby

Jasper: POSSIBLY!

Everyone:...

Rosalie: Thanks Jasper. I'm glad when you finally chose to talk it was for a real contribution to the discussion

Jacob: Carlisle, you've got to do something

Carlisle: Already got the matches

Bella: No! It's not his decision. It's not any of yours

Edward: Uh...you know, half of that baby is mine

Bella: Possession is nine-tenths of the law

Edward: Jacob, I need to talk to you

-  
*Outside*

Jacob: I always knew you'd destroy her

Edward: You did? Well geez, you could have told me! She thinks Carlisle can turn her at the last minute like he did for me and Esme

Jacob: Can he?

Edward:...ooh, I guess I should ask. Jacob, I need you to do something for me

Jacob: Ha! I'd never do anything for you. Not a thing. And I could never be talked into it. I hate you with every fibre of my being, and you could never convince me to do anything

Edward: For her

Jacob: Certainly. What do you need?

Edward: You have a connection with her that I'll never understand. I could never understand _anyone_ wanting to be friends with you. Maybe you could change her mind. You could keep her alive

Jacob: And if I can't?

Edward: You get to kill me

Jacob: You mean I have to _choose_?

-  
*Back inside*

Jacob: Hello Bella, I wish to have a nonchalant conversation with you

Bella: Edward send you in here to talk to me?

Edward: Your cover's blown! Abort!

Jacob: Since when are you and Blondie BFFs?

Bella: With you not here, I needed another feminine companion

Jacob: What are you thinking, Bella? Seriously

Bella: I know it seems scary, my face especially, but it's not. It's not this miracle or something

Jacob: Please don't bring religion into this. I'm pretty sure all faiths would want to keep their distance from you at the moment

Bella: I can feel him

Jacob: So it's a boy?

Bella: It's just a guess. I mean, it could only be a boy or a girl. That's roughly a 75% chance of a boy. Jake, I can do this. I'm strong enough

Jacob: Strong enough? Edward left you and you sat in a chair for 6 months

Bella: _Physically_ strong

Jacob: Prove it. Let's wrestle

Bella: No. I don't want to hurt the baby

Jacob: It's hurting _you_. I can see what it's doing to you. It's a killer, Bella

Bella: I know, isn't it adorable? Just like its daddy

Jacob: And when you die, what was the point of me loving you, or you loving him?

Bella: We had some great adventures. I even got to go to Italy. Jake, everything's going to be OK

Jacob: What are you basing that on?

Bella:...I've got a good feeling in my gut

Jacob: That's the baby!

-  
*The Forest. Everyone is wolf*

Sam: It's dangerous!

Leah: It's unnatural!

Quil: An abomination!

Sam: But enough about Embry. We need to discuss this vampire child. Anyone anti-abortion?

All: No

Jacob: I think we should leave that decision to our local congressman

Sam: We must destroy it before it's born. We won't be able to control its thirst. And the damn things cry all through the night. Some of us have work in the morning!

Seth: You mean kill Bella?

Sam: Not on purpose. But we need to tear something out of her stomach, and whenever I've done that in the past the person has died

Jacob: Bella's human. Our protection applies to her

Sam: We'll protect the parts that aren't the stomach. You will fight with us, Jacob!

Jacob: *Snarls*

Sam: *Snarls*

Jacob: *Whimpers*

Embry: If you imagine them doing this as shirtless guys, it's actually pretty funny

Sam: *Snarls*

Jacob: *Growls* I...will...not! I am the grandson of Ephraim Black. I am the grandson of a chief. I can ride my bike faster than almost anyone on the reservation. I was not born to follow you or anyone else *Runs off*

Sam: Fine. Leave. I had him for Secret Santa and now I don't have to buy a gift

-  
*Cullen House*

Jacob: *In human form* It sure was lucky I found that hobo I could steal clothes from

Seth: *Arrives* And it sure was lucky that hobo dresses in layers. Hi Jacob

Jacob: What do you think you're doing here?

Seth: I left Sam's pack. But I didn't make a big deal out of it like you did. I just wandered off when everybody started licking themselves

Jacob: Get out of here

Seth: Is that an order?

Jacob: No. I can't order you if you're not in my pack

Seth: Then I'm staying

Jacob: Fine. You're in my pack

Seth: Yay!

Jacob: Now jump off a bridge

Seth: I've decided to leave the pack. I'll be forming my own one-man pack, but my one order to the pack is to stay as close to your one-man pack as possible, making it basically a two-man pack

Jacob: If Sam comes after Bella, are you really ready to fight your own brothers and your sister?

Seth: Sure, whatever. I'm just here to try and help you get a date

Jacob: She's pregnant with a vampire!

Seth: Since when do you have standards?

Jacob: Whatever. I'm gonna go give the Cullens a heads-up. Do what you want

Seth: My one-man pack has unanimously voted to follow you

Jacob: I thought it was a two-man pack

Seth: I briefly voted you out

Jacob: *Yelling at the Cullen House* Edward! They're coming for Bella!

Edward: I won't let them put a hand on her, no matter how badly they want it. I'm referring to you, but I also won't let the wolves get her

Leah: Hi. I'm here to apply for the open position in the pack

Seth: Oh good, someone saw the ad I placed in the paper

Jacob: What?

Leah: I'm not going to let my little brother get himself killed. Not without my help, at least

Jacob: Would the both of you shut up?

Leah: Jake, you don't get to tell us what to do

Jacob: If this is a new tribe, then I'm the alpha. I say what goes

Leah: All in favour of electing Leah as new alpha - I

Seth: I

Jacob: You can't be alpha. You're not a man

Leah: Didn't stop you

Jacob:...

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. Chapter 4

**Project H: Breaking Dawn Part 1**

By Project H

Part 4

*Inside the Cullen House*

Jacob: Sam's not going to come at you head on. He's got the place surrounded and he'll wait for his opportunity

Carlisle: Thank you, Jacob. Also, why are you dressed as a maid?

Jacob: The new pack voted me their cleaner. They also voted to call the pack Jacob's Lady Parts

Emmett: We won't get through without a fight

Carlisle: No fights. We won't be the ones to break the treaty

Jacob: The treaty is void, at least in Sam's mind

Emmett: That fool!

Carlisle: Quiet, Emmett. Let's not rip into Sam. Let's not treat him the way he treated Emily's face

Emmett: No one's hunted for weeks

Esme: Actually, I snuck out to an orphanage during the night. I don't feel good about it

Carlisle: You've done us a great service, Jacob. Now you may return to Jacob's Lady Parts

-  
*Outside*

Jacob: I can't hear Sam's pack anymore

Leah: I stopped hearing them too, the second I decided to leave. Makes me wish I'd left before that day I forgot to wear a bra to a tribe meeting. I really could have done without hearing all those thoughts

Jacob: *Silent*

Leah: Don't think about it now! Aargh!

Jacob: You know you can't stay here. I can't trust you with the Cullens. You hate them too much. You don't even like _me_

Leah: I don't have to

Jacob: Really? I was setting you up perfectly to say that you like me

Leah: Being unwanted isn't exactly a new thing for me

Jacob: Me neither *Stares at Leah*

Leah: *Thinking* _Could it be, that after all this time, I have finally found what I was looking for here in Jacob's Lady Parts? All the heartache, all the pain...could I finally have found the one person who truly understands me?_

Jacob: I'm going to go back and check on the near-death girl that I'm still trying to get to leave my mortal enemy's side and marry me. Back soon

Leah:...

-  
*Cullen General*

Carlisle: Your rib is cracked. But there are no splinters. Also, your tennis elbow seems to have vanished and those hiccups have cleared up nicely. So it's mostly good news

Edward: It's breaking her bones

Carlisle: And also bad news

Edward: Carlisle, tell her what you told me

Carlisle: If you think it's appropriate. An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar-

Edward: About the baby!

Carlisle: The foetus isn't compatible with your body. We could try turning you off and on again, but that's risky. It's starving you by the hour. At this rate, your heart will give out before you can deliver

Bella: I'll just hold on for as long as I can and then-

Carlisle: Bella, there are some conditions that even venom can't overcome. I had a headache when I was turned, and now I've got it for all eternity

Bella: Edward, I'm sorry

Edward: I can't live without you. And I proved it that time I tried to kill myself because I thought you were dead. When are you going to learn to not die?!

Bella: You're going to have a part of me. He'll need you

Edward: Do you honestly think that I could love it if it killed you? And also if it cried and wet itself a lot? What's to like?

Bella: It's not his fault. You have to accept what is

Edward: Because you've given me no choice! Bella, we're supposed to be partners, remember? When I broke Esme's washing machine and flooded the house, we _both_ took the blame. When your great aunt died and you got that huge inheritance, we _both_ used it to buy me a new car. And when a baby is killing you, we _both_ need to tell you you're being stupid and should do as I say

Bella:...what if we flip a coin?

-  
*Several days later*

Edward: Cold?

Bella: Yeah

Jacob: I got it *Sits next to Bella*

Bella: *Smiles*

Jacob: Don't do that – smile like I'm one of your favourite people in the world. Can't you just be like everyone else and look a little bit sick every time you see me?

Esme: We need to find a way to get food into her system

Edward: I could chew up some food and then spit it into her mouth. Like birds

Alice: If only I could see the baby, maybe I could work out what it wants. Assuming it knows sign language or something

Jacob: *Has a thought. First time for everything*

Edward: Jacob just had an idea, and I think he may be right

Jacob: I know, right? It'd save so much time if they sold tea bags with sugar already in the bag

Edward: Not that one. The other one. The one where we feed my wife blood

Carlisle: I have some O-negative laid aside for Bella. And milkshakes. Whichever we needed first *Gets blood*

Alice, Jasper and Emmett: *Leave. Because watching a girl be gradually murdered is only fun for so long*

Edward: *Hands cup to Bella* I put in a curly straw. To make it easier to take

Bella: Thank you

Edward: And put it in a Batman cup

Bella: Alright

Edward: And you get a little toy with it

Bella: Shut up and let me drink *Drinks blood*

Edward: It's actually diet blood. I don't want you getting_ too_ fat

-  
*Swan House*

Charlie: *On phone to Bella* Well you sound better. And that hobo who moved into your old room has started to make himself at home

Bella: I feel better

Charlie: The whole thing must have put a kink in the honeymoon, huh?

Bella: Sure did. I was spending it on my knees in front of the toilet, but then a few days later I became sick. Really ruined my plans

Charlie: Otherwise, married life treating you OK?

Bella: I suppose. There's a lot more blood consumption than I was expecting

Charlie: Yeah, that surprises a lot of people in their first year of marriage. You get used to it. I know I did

Bella: Dad, I don't want you to freak out, but I'm going to a medical centre in Switzerland

Charlie: You know how I feel about the Swiss! They're too neutral. They won't tell you if you're sick or well, they'll just say you're not dead and give you a glass of plain water. I'm coming with you

Bella: No, Dad, picture me healthy, like I'm sitting on the couch with you. Just imagine I haven't left. Like when you drew that face on a pillow after you split with Mum *Hangs up*

Edward: I'm sorry I've been so angry. I just don't handle my wife dying very well. You'd think I'd be used to it. I went pretty wild in the 1940's

Bella: Marriage, huh? They say the first year is the hardest. The one where you get almost murdered, you get abandoned, almost murdered again, stop your partner committing suicide, almost murdered for the third time, almost murdered for the fourth time, then become pregnant with a monster who is in the process of murdering me

Edward: It hasn't been a walk in the park for me either. Every time I order dessert at a restaurant, I have to share it with you. *Pauses* What was that? I thought I just heard...

Bella: What?

Edward: *Put hand on Bella's stomach* He likes your voice. Or he's eating out your uterine lining. Either way, he's enjoying himself

Bella: Well that makes one of us

Edward: *Listening* It's so strange. I thought he was like me, but he's not. He's like you – good, pure, female genitalia. He's going to be the most popular boy in school

Bella: What's he saying now?

Edward: That he loves you. Well that makes one of us

-  
*Outside Cullen house*

Jacob: *Proves he isn't a vampire by walking straight in without an invitation*

Edward and Bella: *Giggling and snuggling with Bella's stomach. I'm hoping that's a _new _thing*

Jacob: *Watches*

Carlisle: Jacob, come with me. Don't worry, I'm videotaping them. We like to add our own funny voiceovers

*Carlisle's office*

Carlisle: We need more blood. Bella could deliver as early as tomorrow, but the mailman doesn't come by until Monday, so we need a new source. And we need to go tonight

Jacob: You're the enemy now, Carlisle. Sam won't hesitate to slaughter you

Carlisle: I'll wear glasses. No one can hit a guy with glasses. If there's anything we can do to save Bella, we have to try. As long as we have nothing better to do and there's nothing good on TV

Jacob: You'd risk your lives for her?

Esme: Of course we would. Bella's a part of our family now. And to the Cullens, being family means we love you, we protect you, and you can have sex with any other family members you want

Jacob: This really is a family...as strong as the one I was born into. I know what I have to do *Walks out*

Esme:...is he going to have sex with Sam?

Carlisle: I think it's safe to assume

-  
*Forest*

Jacob: *Hears footsteps*

Leah: Jacob, they're coming!

Jacob: Or...they're getting further away. Don't jump to conclusions

Paul: *Walks into clearing*

Jacob: Wait...it could be an illusion

Paul: This isn't your territory anymore

Jacob: Wait...he may be a hologr-

Paul: I'M HERE! How's your new family going? How are Jacob's Lady Parts?

Jacob: Fantastic! Jacob's Lady Parts are stronger than ever! Jacob's Lady Parts are practically quivering with excitement and...why am I encouraging this?

Quil: You coming home, Jake?

Jacob: Not until I finish this. Not until I finish protecting the baby. But I want Sam to take back Leah and Seth. So that I can defend the baby alone against even more wolves for some reason

Leah: What?!

Seth: No way!

Jacob: Quiet! When you joined Jacob's Lady Parts, you knew you were entering a dark place. Jacob's Lady Parts may feel safe and warm, I will admit that, but you can't stay inside it forever

Seth: So inspirational

Jacob: Paul, I need Sam to wait until Bella's been separated from the problem

Embry: Easier said than done – no one actually knows how babies are born. Probably the lady's stomach falls off and sprouts arms and legs

Jacob: Tell Sam that when the moment comes, I'll be the one to destroy it

Embry: But no one actually knows how babies are killed. Probably the lady's stomach falls off and squashes it

Jacob: I'm the only one that can. They trust me. They included me in the Secret Santa this year. I got Emmett. I hate buying for Emmett!

TO BE CONTINUED...


	5. Chapter 5

**Project H: Breaking Dawn Part 1**

By Project H

Part 5

*Cullen House*

Rosalie: *Rubbing Bella's stomach* It's strange that it took something like this for me to like you

Bella: Rosalie, I'm glad that we're finally-

Rosalie: Quiet! I was talking to the stomach. The rest of you can still go to hell

Jacob: *Walks in* Edward, they make it out alright?

Edward: Yes. And how about Jacob's Lady Parts? I saw it was raining before, I hope they didn't get too wet

Jacob: Well Jacob's Lady Parts got a little damp but I...hey, shut up!

Bella: Hi Jake. You OK?

Jacob: Yeah. It's not like I'm the one carrying a demon

Bella: Well maybe it will be twins, and one of them _won't _be a demon

Rosalie: Bella, tell Jacob what you've decided

Edward: Rose is trying to talk Bella out of her baby names. And by 'Rose' I mean

'Everyone with a brain'

Bella: They're not that bad. If it's a boy, Edward Jacob Mike, in honour of the three guys most eager to impregnate me. And for a girl, I was playing around with our mum's-

Jacob: I've dreamed of doing that

Bella: -names. Our mum's names Renee and Esme

Jacob: So you want to name her Renee Esme? There's nothing wrong with that

Bella: Renesmee

Jacob: *Throws up* Oh, eh, yeah. That's...certainly a name

Bella: Too weird?

Edward: For a half-human half-vampire baby. No, that name will be the least weird thing about it

Bella: *Rubs stomach* He likes it

Rosalie: That's because if it's a 'he' it won't be named that

Bella: *Breaks spine and collapses* On second thought, he hates it

-  
*Cullen ER*

Edward: Rosalie, pass the morphine

Rosalie: What's morphine?

Edward: No idea, just pass me that needle. I'll find somewhere to stick it

Alice: Carlisle said the placenta must have detached

Edward:...yep. So needling it is *Needles*

Rosalie: *Grabs scalpel* I'll help. Which end does the baby need to come out of? I'll start at the neck

Edward: Rosalie, wait! I'm still needling the neck. And how many feet did she have when we started? I lost count of how many I removed

Rosalie: *Sees blood*

Edward: *Sees Rosalie*

Alice: *Tackles Rosalie*

Edward: Alice, get her out of here. And take these kidneys with you. They fell out of Bella but I don't think she needs them

Bella: But...Rosalie! I need her

Edward: You also need to live

Bella: Can't I have both?

Edward: No! Now you get neither for being greedy

Jacob: Change her!

Edward: Not until he's out

Jacob: Well try calling his name

Edward: Renesmee! Nope, that made him go further in. There's only one thing for it *Bites into Bella's stomach*

Bella: *Reacts appropriately to having someone bite into her stomach*

Jacob: You should have let me do that. My teeth would be warmer on her uterus

Edward: *Pulls out baby* It's Renesmee. And a lot of other icky stuff. We're not going to keep most of this. But we'll keep Renesmee

Bella: *To baby* You're beautiful

Edward: Thank you, but I look even better without a face covered in placenta. Speaking of which, it's pretty lucky that none of the blood ended up around the baby's eyes. Weird how nature works like that *Hands Renesmee to Bella*

Bella: *Dies*

Edward: Wait...is Bella allergic to babies?

Jacob: *Gives Bella mouth-to-mouth*

Edward: Dammit Jacob! When she said she'd only kiss you over her dead body, you weren't meant to take it literally

Rosalie: Edward, I'll take the baby. Don't worry, I'll be fine. I already ate a baby for lunch

Edward: *Plunges syringe into Bella's chest*

Jacob: What's that?

Edward: It's my venom...no wait, that's my urine sample *Plunges second needle*

Bella: *Remains dead*

Edward: *Starts pumping her chest* If I can just do this without breaking one of her ribs-

Rib: *Crack*

Edward: Without breaking two of her ribs-

Rib: *Crack*

Edward: Without breaking all of her ribs-

Ribs: *Crack*

Edward: Alright maybe I should try pumping her skull

Jacob: I won't kill you. That'd be too easy. You deserve to live with this. With Bella's corpse. Or maybe I do. I can carry it around with me and pretend she can still eat and talk. And say 'I love you, Jacob.' And she'll just lie their motionless when I hug her. It'll be just like old times. Now if you'll excuse me *Walks out of room to cry in front of a wolf hiding in shrubbery*

Edward: You're not dead, Bella! You're not dead! Wait...maybe reverse psychology. Oh well, looks like you're dead. Guess I'll just leave. *Pretends to walk out of room* Come on, Bella! People don't die in this relationship! We get saved at the last minute

Bella: *Remains dead*

Edward: Is it working? I can't tell. Your facial expression hasn't changed, but even when you were alive it never did. *Bites Bella's arms and legs* This will either bring you back to life or give me a lot of explaining to do at your open-casket funeral

-  
*Black House*

Sam:...I just thought I'd let you know

Billy: I don't care what he's done. He's my son. And walk slower – I'm wheeling up a slight hill

One of the wolf boys, you know the one with the short black hair and the muscles. Yeah, that one: *Whispers something to Sam*

Sam: Bella's dead. It killed her

Billy: What did? Old age?

Sam: Let's go *Wolves leave*

Billy: That's it, I'm going to the Cullens to warn them

Some lady standing behind him: Their house doesn't have ramps

Billy: That's it, we're staying here and hoping for the best

-  
*Cullen House*

Rosalie: *Holds baby*

Renesmee: *Is baby*

Jacob: *Menacingly approaches baby*

Renesmee: *Is baby*

Jacob: *Well he looks at her*

Renesmee: *And she looks at him*

Jacob: *And he looks at her*

Renesmee: *And she looks at him*

Jacob thinking: _It's like gravity. Your whole centre shifts. Suddenly it's not the earth holding...wait, am I falling in love with a baby? Seriously? Please no. Maybe I'm actually falling in love with the blonde vampire. Yeah, because I'm looking at the back of her head. But I'm seeing the baby grown up. Well maybe it's not romantic. It's just imprinting. It means I would do anything, be anything she needs. A friend, a brother, a protector. Yeah, that's all it is. Protection. I'll wear protection when I'm with the bab- NO! Dammit Jacob!_

-  
*Cullen ER*

Edward: *Looks at thermometer* Yep, you're still dead, Bella. Or vampire. Or dead vampire. Wait, would a dead vampire have a _high_ temperature?

Wolves in distance: *Running*

Edward: Alice! Jasper! *Kisses Bella* You're gonna be alright. I mean, you can't get any worse

Wolves: *Arrive and snarl*

Jasper: We're outnumbered

Alice: By a lot. And two of our fighters are a baby and dead

Edward: I won't let them hurt my family. That's my job

Wolves: *Attack*

Vampires: *Attack*

Wolves: *Start to win*

Vampires: *Don't*

Carlisle: Down boy! *Attacks*

Esme: Ugh. He was working on that line the whole way back *Attacks*

Emmett: Dinner time's over...sorry, that's the best I could come up with *Attacks*

Everyone: *Fights for a while*

Jacob: Stop! It's over!

Sam: Back off, Jacob! I'm not afraid to tear Jacob's Lady Parts right up the middle

Jacob: If you kill her you kill me

Sam: Yep, that's the plan *Attacks Jacob*

Jacob: *Turns wolf and snarls*

Edward: Jacob imprinted. Whoever a wolf imprints on can't be harmed

Emmett: Oh...eh...he imprinted on me too

Alice: He imprinted on me twice

Jasper: We imprint on each other all the time. We're going to do it again later back at his place

Wolves: *Leave*

Edward: *Stares at Jacob*

Jacob: *Stares at Edward*

Edward: *Thinking* _So my child would have died if not for Jacob falling in love with her. I can't believe she's only an hour old and is already a disappointment_

-  
*Cullen ER*

Edward: *Sponging Bella* She shouldn't be this still. Dead people dance or something, right?

Alice: *Dressing Bella* Just because she is lifeless doesn't mean her fashion sense has to be. I wouldn't be caught _dead_ in that ugly gown

Edward:...

Alice: Too soon?

Bella's hair: *Transforms first. Vampire venom has weird priorities*

Bella's bones: *Mend selves*

Bella's brain: *Remembers Bella's life story, and yet somehow decides to not kill itself immediately*

Bella's eyes: *Open*

Bella:...is everyone supposed to look faintly red? And delicious?

-  
*Volturi HQ*

Secretary: *Hands letter to Aro*

Aro: Ohh, it's from Carlisle. Which is spelt with an 'S'. And not with a small drawing of a cat in the middle of it for no reason

Secretary: You realise this is a letter that _he_ wrote?

Aro: Lousy doctor's handwriting. He's added a new member to his covern. From what I can read, its name is 'Bulla' and...it had a bogey? That can't be right. Baby, maybe

Caius: At least our dispute with the Cullens is over. We won't have to see that handsome Edward jerk anymore. That's certainly...good?

Aro: Over? Goodness no. Our dispute goes far beyond the fate of a mere human. They have something I want

Caius: Yeah, Edward's stupid gorgeous face will be ours!

Aro: The baby! I want their baby!

Caius: Whatever turns you on

**THE END**

**Author's Note: An enormous thank you to everyone who read, reviewed or favourited this story. I'm getting great at releasing these things months later than I want. I'm working on The Hunger Games at the moment, so let's hope I'm done with it by 2014. And Breaking Dawn Part 2 will follow shortly after. Hopefully. Farewell for now!**


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